Earwigs (Subtitle - I'm a goner)

So we have this infestation of earwigs. First they started showing up in the mailbox, then in the house (*presumably from bringing the mail indoors, where we can read it without bursting into flames from the heat) and now I've found them in the bathroom, the kitchen, and in the den.
I am supposed to be working on a movie review blog, but I find myself googling earwigs, because I felt something crawly on my neck a moment ago, and then a thundering wonkiness in my ear, and now I am convinced that an earwig has taken up residence in my ear canal, ready to shoot it's eggs into my brain.
I've googled earwigs, and they call the ear-canal-brain-laying-of-eggs thing an "old wives tale" but that doesn't offer much comfort, as a dropped dish towel has yielded a visitor, and an itchy nose has resulted in a spanking (though that's a story for a different blog...)
I wonder if I will smell the hatchlings before they hatch. If I will hear their tiny buggy voices crying out for nourishment. If they will feast on my brains and drown in my own sorrows.
Crap. I'm getting poetical. Time to stop, and wait for the eggs to hatch.