Saturday, March 15, 2008

I hate school

I hate college. Now I remember why I dropped out. Because I hate it. I hate the pressure and the uncertainty. I hate having WAY too much work to do...and now it's even worse because I actually CARE about doing well and I need to succeed for reasons other than my parents might get mad at me.

I had no concept of how much it much money I was wasting by farting around like I did. Now that I'm back in and paying for it myself I feel SO guilty about failing so many classes, about not caring whether or not I did well, about being such a dipshit.

Did I mention the crazy workload? I'm really busy at work, too, so it's very hard to find the time to work, do the extra work I do at work (I do about three people's jobs), go to class, do the homework, do the extra homework because I HAD to take two really labor-intesive classes in the same semester), AND find time to hang out with friends, spend time with family, etc.
It's so stressful I've had to drink a lot of wine and cry a lot. I've picked myself up by the bootstraps and have been working for the last 4 hours on a research paper that terrifies the ever living shit out me. I plan to spend 9:45-9:45 tomorrow on it too because I CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT UNDER CONTROL. I have vowed to drink no more alcohol until the paper is ready and would receive at least a C in this class, since that's what I've got to get for tuition reimbursement. Dwight says that if I'm freaking way out he might force-feed me a glass of Pinot, but then I won't want to stop and he has a REAL hard time saying no to me, so I think I'll keep my freakouts to myself and try to motor through this naturally and booze-less, while hopefully incorporating a workout regimen into the old schedule. Of course that means I'll have to get up at around 5:30 every morning (because it's getting impossible to work out during my lunch break--busy busy and FORGET doing it at night after class--it just won't happen) and trying to get to bed by 9:30 at night. That'll be hard on the night that I don't get out of class until 8:50, but we'll see what happens.

I have to get serious. II have to get a little confidence. 'm terrified of this paper, and I am terrified that I can't do this. Somehow that part of my brain has been removed and I'm just spinning my wheels, walking in circles, setting myself up for a massive failure.

So, yeah.

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